The Response.

     Jane, I'l never forgive myself. I'll never stop crying, knowing that I let you down. Knowing that I let you think of me so. Knowing that I'll just be something in your back pocket. I am full of regret, but it's not because of what we had or anything we did. It's because I wasn't strong enough for you and I'm glad that you see that now. You don't have to lie to the people. I'm a big boy I can deal with the truth. I mean, I can live with it. Just barely. I'm sad, I am so sad and I'm holding onto you and I don't know why. I'm holding onto your number and your letters and your jacket which I sleep with every night. God knows that I don't want to feel this way. Yes, yes it hurt. It hurt more than I can imagine and it still does now. I can't remember the last time I cried. I forgot what it felt like. I forgot how it burned my eyes and how it stopped me from breathing.

     This is my true response to how I'm feeling. After the initial wave of shock and anger washes over me this is how I truly feel. I feel sad. I feel lost and I feel stupid for letting myself be out of control to the point that I had to let you go. This isn't much better, actually it's not any better. I won't put you through it again but if I could I would. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Please. That's all I'm asking. You don't ever have to talk to me again or tell me a single word, not even that you forgive me. Just know that I beg for your forgiveness. I would play with spiders for a chance to get you back. I would go blind and lose my musical ability for you. To hold you close emotionally. To be able to think of you as mine and think of you as owning me. I would give up ever being able to touch you again if I could just see your smile in response to something that I did.

     This fallout is irreparable though. It's my fault, because I screwed up so immensely and because I pushed  until I really pushed myself off the edge. I'm so stupid for saying everything I ever said to anyone about you negative. I won't be happy again for a long time. I won't stop crying all night again for a long time. I won't stop spacing out at work and spilling drinks for a long time. Of course I care, I care perhaps still too much. My chest hurts, where my heart used to be, and I won't even try to blame you for taking it. You didn't take it, I know that. I have been subconsciously carving it out of my body so slowly.

     I didn't expect to lose you so completely so quickly. I thought you were fine waiting. I thought we agreed upon that. I don't know if I can live a life without you. I want you to come back just enough to be barely visible. That's all I want.