The Hope.

 Many months later I see that what happened between us was no one's fault. How dare we expect each other to behave as rational, adult human beings when we were and are but children? Was what happened completely out of out control? No, I don't think it was, however, I cannot be certain of that just as I cannot be certain of anything. What happened was not fun. It was painful for both parties involved and as far as I can gather, we both regret much. However I have come to realize something very very important.

     I am beginning to realize that I am not ready for these things that I put myself through, I am not of a stable enough mind or emotional state to even begin to think that I could be ready for this and perhaps that is what I have done wrong: I have not even began to think of what I am doing, I am just doing things... I have shaken off what little help I had before now and I am now just beginning to realize that I'm hopelessly infatuated with an idea. One that, currently, does not involve a significant other.

     This idea, I feel is beyond me to explain but that is just a feeling and I will try, very hard. Perfection is out of my reach as a human and even more so as a child. A boy disguised as a man trying to be perfect and failing every damn time. I search very hard for perfection and I run after it. I see myself as imperfect as they come and for what it is worth I just lost my grip on what I thought perfect meant.

The Promise.

There's a recall on my heart; this means I need it back right now,
I don't care who you are or what you've done for me.
There's a free fall taking place and if I don't find land somehow... point is,
I don't see any point in loving anything if I'll soon be dead.

So, no I don't love you.
Yes, it's tearing me apart
No, This wasn't my choice
But I've lost my voice amongst myself.

I've given way to fallen comrades and bosses
I'm taking head of the words of the more experienced.
I'm all but lost and If I do lose my way I'll be done for way more than a couple of days.
So let me leave, I'm never coming back. You won't have to hear my voice again,
because I'm never coming back.

This is my final choice, my heart is done with all this play time. It's time to work, I need you to understand that. I'm so done with you. I look at you and all I feel is pain and apathy. I stare long and hard into nothing and I see the reason that I'm staring. That there's nothing here for me. There's nothing that I want from you anymore and I'm so sorry that I can't stick around. This is my promise though: That I'm done coming back to our brokenness. I never made the only promise that matters, so I have no obligation to come back and I won't feel bad next time you call me. Of course, I know that's a lie. The biggest lie I've ever told and. Well. I fucking miss you.

     I promise that I'm not coming back and this time my promise won't be broken. If I do break this promise, though, I'll have already forgotten about it all of this will be long gone. Don't even think about calling me again as long as you can see this is your rear view.

The Request.

     Please shut up. Please just shut the fuck up. I can't feel my heart right now. I'm having to remind my body, physically, how to breathe. I become light headed and it feels much better compared to this. I can't pass out though, this is much to good to pass up. An opportunity to have you leave me with grace? forever? Shit, why didn't this happen before. Now all hope is ruined, I believe. you're regret to once have had any of this kills me. It tears me apart and makes me ill. I feel so sick. I can't eat, even though hunger is the only feeling that I'm sure of right now. I can't stop crying, I'm not holding anything back, Monica is useless to me now. She doesn't sleep with me anymore and when I try to cuddle she just walks away.

     I wish you would just stop talking. If I have to answer another question, Jane, I'll go fucking crazy. Please just shut up. This is my only request that you just stop talking. Just stop trying to make contact with me and my friends. It's clear to me as it should be to you that nothing but pain and suffering comes from that. So just stop before I have to call the authorities and have you hauled away for murder. I see blood everywhere leading up to your hands and you hold the weapon of destruction.

     The blood leads up to your mouth and stops somewhere along your tongue. Coincidence? I think not. You have murdered my tender heart with your words and I have hardened it against you. Some of those that I love, though, are still getting residual toughness from it. This makes me sad, it truly does. For I hate, as you know, to see those I love in despair, especially when caused, even if not prevented by me. My immortal body is weakened and it does me no good. My ever-failing soul is loosely reminiscent of the life-span of a fly. Short lived, with no realization of self.

     Please just shut up. I can't inhale any more by force. If I hear your voice one more time, I will forget, again, how to breathe. I am so tired, so very very tired. I'm am merely closing eyes. I must be careful with my concentration, for if I blink, it dies. Please. Just shut up.

The Letdown.

     I wait patiently being much more at peace than I should be. I suppose I just realize that freaking out about every missed phone call and late-answered text doesn't help anything. Still though, I do realize that I've done you wrong and fallen short of all the meager expectations you had of me. you're disappointed and it's me, you're sad and it's my doing. The worst part about that is, I know it. I just begin to think, non stop, about everyone that I know, that if I would just not try to do my best in the first place, I wouldn't fail. It seems like that's all I do anymore. I've failed you.

     I'm in trouble with my only friend, and in the night and in my dreams, she wears a mask and she frightens me. She causes me to feel troubled and she eats my happiness for breakfast. At least she's not starving, though, because I'm not inhumane, I'll let her eat. I have long feared that I would let her down. I have long feared that I would give up trying. I believe I've come close to trying. I'm so sorry. The only words I can think. I'm so sorry. I'm blinking over and over because I'm in a hurry and all the rays of light seem to be aiming only to blind me. Tears are running dry, now that I've realized how far down I have let this become.

      I'm so sorry, please, please please understand that I had no ill will in what I did tonight. More importantly though, please forgive me. I do not know why, my girl, I did what I did. I don't know why I am still pondering it, for I wish I could just move on and make it all better. As long as you're down though, I'll know that I let it be so and I can't live with that. I didn't think, and I walked away. I didn't let you take control. I'm not a control freak and I don't have trust issues, I just didn't think.

     I now find myself in that position in which I'm frightened. I'm frightened to death by my own desire to cause such a side effect. I want to cry so badly but I can't because, lately I've been holding it all in. Clearly, you aren't enough to me to make me want to cry. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I don't know. I'm distraught because I know that you're disappointed in me, but you have no reason to be. What you think I've done I have not done, but I can't let you know that because then you would be the bad guy and then you would be sad. I can hide it, though. I won't let you know that you hurt me. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

The Issue.

Dad, I'm coming home this world is much to rough on your poor son, and I'm so sorry I didn't listen, but now I'll be right where I belong.
I've never been able to fight my tears and I've never been able to deny that you were right all along

Then you said to me: "Son, I don't care whose right or wrong, I just hate your face so long and I know I wasn't always perfect but I did my best and a better son I could not elect.
You are finding your way out there and since you're the last, I suppose I'm a bit scared; When you're alone, though, out there by your self, I will always pray hard, fast and long, that you remember how much, to me, you are, and that no matter where you fit in, never forget that only in your mind, can you find a place, that you truly belong. "

"I've always known that you love me. I always have as well.
I've always thanked Him for where I was placed,
and for that sweet, blooming blossom, he's put in my mouth to taste.
It grew into a flower and stopped at nothing to give me wealth,
You worked so hard, loved so perfect and yielded, in me, such health.

I grew tired, at one point, of your tender ways.
I was locked in despair trying to flee from your gaze.
I passed the time in sleep and in my dreams I ended yours
I woke up only in necessity and exhaled from my lungs the hate that grew for you.
As I ate, I plotted your end and feared the very air that you touched.
I feared letting you down. I never hated you, I never have.
I wore a deceiving frown. "Do you hate me?"
was your question, so sincere.
"I never have," was my reply, engulfed in tear.

I now think of all you did for me.
I now think of all you do for me, and in
those thoughts
unending love I've found.
In my mind
unending grace I've found.

My thoughts and my mind, though are deceiving.
They live in fear and feed off of fairy tale.

The Solitude.

     I just sing to myself and watch her. Listen to this song and sing it as terribly as I possibly can. I sing really horribly, really I do. I really wish that I could sing better, or at least a bit decently. At night when I first started, all words escaped me. Now in the light I can see, though and her tail is wrapped around her feet. Her tongue is rough and little and her eyes are wide. She dreams of outside yet it seems that of her dreams, she is frightened. I too am terrified of my dreams, for in them I end you and in them I get what I want. I am scared, though, that I don't deserve what I want and because of that will not end up happy. I fear that the worst that can happen to me, will happen to me. Every time I fly I pray for a mid-air collision. Whenever I drive beside oncoming traffic, I dream of a car losing control and hitting me. Hard. And I dream of my death and the peace that it will bring me. I'm tired of dreaming, maybe that's what that is. No, that can't be what it is. Maybe it's because I miss you, or maybe it's because I've had too much of you. . . I can't decide which it is. Hold me, you're here and then you're gone, love, like a dream && like a sigh. Tell me you're hearing every word now, like a song love, like a song.

     Don't cry, Don't cry. This is a happy moment, and I'm glad that you have it, even without me. For I am here, not looking, cringing, sighing. Slapping myself for not putting myself in the position to be there with you. No one's got it all. This is an absolute truth in my mind. It is a law of the world and no matter how hard you try to look, you can't find someone who has got it all. I know you think that you might be that person, and I know that you might think that you know that person but you must not know this law. Look, dig deeper and find what it is that you or this person does not have. You will find something, I promise. I am alone. I am alone. there is no one that I can talk to you, much less you. You told me that you had to go and that we could not be friends. I wouldn't mind your voice if you would make up your damn mind, Jane. In fact, I would love it. I love it. Just stop. Start over and forget about what just happened, and you won't hurt me.

     No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I keep a wolf at my door,
but he calls me up, calls me on the phone
tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up
steal all my children if I don't pay the ransom, and
I'll never see them again if I squeal to the cops.

The Response.

     Jane, I'l never forgive myself. I'll never stop crying, knowing that I let you down. Knowing that I let you think of me so. Knowing that I'll just be something in your back pocket. I am full of regret, but it's not because of what we had or anything we did. It's because I wasn't strong enough for you and I'm glad that you see that now. You don't have to lie to the people. I'm a big boy I can deal with the truth. I mean, I can live with it. Just barely. I'm sad, I am so sad and I'm holding onto you and I don't know why. I'm holding onto your number and your letters and your jacket which I sleep with every night. God knows that I don't want to feel this way. Yes, yes it hurt. It hurt more than I can imagine and it still does now. I can't remember the last time I cried. I forgot what it felt like. I forgot how it burned my eyes and how it stopped me from breathing.

     This is my true response to how I'm feeling. After the initial wave of shock and anger washes over me this is how I truly feel. I feel sad. I feel lost and I feel stupid for letting myself be out of control to the point that I had to let you go. This isn't much better, actually it's not any better. I won't put you through it again but if I could I would. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Please. That's all I'm asking. You don't ever have to talk to me again or tell me a single word, not even that you forgive me. Just know that I beg for your forgiveness. I would play with spiders for a chance to get you back. I would go blind and lose my musical ability for you. To hold you close emotionally. To be able to think of you as mine and think of you as owning me. I would give up ever being able to touch you again if I could just see your smile in response to something that I did.

     This fallout is irreparable though. It's my fault, because I screwed up so immensely and because I pushed  until I really pushed myself off the edge. I'm so stupid for saying everything I ever said to anyone about you negative. I won't be happy again for a long time. I won't stop crying all night again for a long time. I won't stop spacing out at work and spilling drinks for a long time. Of course I care, I care perhaps still too much. My chest hurts, where my heart used to be, and I won't even try to blame you for taking it. You didn't take it, I know that. I have been subconsciously carving it out of my body so slowly.

     I didn't expect to lose you so completely so quickly. I thought you were fine waiting. I thought we agreed upon that. I don't know if I can live a life without you. I want you to come back just enough to be barely visible. That's all I want.