The Letdown.

     I wait patiently being much more at peace than I should be. I suppose I just realize that freaking out about every missed phone call and late-answered text doesn't help anything. Still though, I do realize that I've done you wrong and fallen short of all the meager expectations you had of me. you're disappointed and it's me, you're sad and it's my doing. The worst part about that is, I know it. I just begin to think, non stop, about everyone that I know, that if I would just not try to do my best in the first place, I wouldn't fail. It seems like that's all I do anymore. I've failed you.

     I'm in trouble with my only friend, and in the night and in my dreams, she wears a mask and she frightens me. She causes me to feel troubled and she eats my happiness for breakfast. At least she's not starving, though, because I'm not inhumane, I'll let her eat. I have long feared that I would let her down. I have long feared that I would give up trying. I believe I've come close to trying. I'm so sorry. The only words I can think. I'm so sorry. I'm blinking over and over because I'm in a hurry and all the rays of light seem to be aiming only to blind me. Tears are running dry, now that I've realized how far down I have let this become.

      I'm so sorry, please, please please understand that I had no ill will in what I did tonight. More importantly though, please forgive me. I do not know why, my girl, I did what I did. I don't know why I am still pondering it, for I wish I could just move on and make it all better. As long as you're down though, I'll know that I let it be so and I can't live with that. I didn't think, and I walked away. I didn't let you take control. I'm not a control freak and I don't have trust issues, I just didn't think.

     I now find myself in that position in which I'm frightened. I'm frightened to death by my own desire to cause such a side effect. I want to cry so badly but I can't because, lately I've been holding it all in. Clearly, you aren't enough to me to make me want to cry. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I don't know. I'm distraught because I know that you're disappointed in me, but you have no reason to be. What you think I've done I have not done, but I can't let you know that because then you would be the bad guy and then you would be sad. I can hide it, though. I won't let you know that you hurt me. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.