The Hope.

 Many months later I see that what happened between us was no one's fault. How dare we expect each other to behave as rational, adult human beings when we were and are but children? Was what happened completely out of out control? No, I don't think it was, however, I cannot be certain of that just as I cannot be certain of anything. What happened was not fun. It was painful for both parties involved and as far as I can gather, we both regret much. However I have come to realize something very very important.

     I am beginning to realize that I am not ready for these things that I put myself through, I am not of a stable enough mind or emotional state to even begin to think that I could be ready for this and perhaps that is what I have done wrong: I have not even began to think of what I am doing, I am just doing things... I have shaken off what little help I had before now and I am now just beginning to realize that I'm hopelessly infatuated with an idea. One that, currently, does not involve a significant other.

     This idea, I feel is beyond me to explain but that is just a feeling and I will try, very hard. Perfection is out of my reach as a human and even more so as a child. A boy disguised as a man trying to be perfect and failing every damn time. I search very hard for perfection and I run after it. I see myself as imperfect as they come and for what it is worth I just lost my grip on what I thought perfect meant.


     I hope that I can forgive myself for effortlessly putting myself through this time after time. I don't know how this time is going to go, I don't know when or if, I will have resolution in this matter but I do know that while I am here, where I don't want to be, I will never go anywhere that I want to be. I will always end up being torn between what I need and what others want, and I will always fail to choose myself. I will always, while I have the opportunity to, fail myself. I will think myself into chaos and self-loathing, along with depression, blackouts and a loss of ability to thrive in this world. I will not be able to forgive myself - at least not yet.